mom was just talking about reading a j9urnal left by my ancestor and i decieded to leave something for people to read. first off i think i might post my reasons for divorce. yes i know it is a controversial thing. but sometimes if you are not making a harmonious home than it is beter to be apart and be harmonious than together and arguing all the time. i do think that fighting harms kids. when they see adults fight then they might begin to think that that is normal. there are other reasons. since i write undera pseudo name then i can say that i never wanted sex. which was a means of consternation to my spouse. first he would get nicer to me and then he would become despondent then frustrated and angry. but no matter how hard i tried the corect response just was not there. i grew tired of faking it. plus any other reasons for staying in a mariage of this sort(money, prestige) were not there. and once i wound up at my parents house and had time to think i realized that for my sense of self i needed to leave. i am a beter person for leaving and i needed to be that better person for my kids. everytime i gave in i lost a sense of myself and i am too valuable to do that to myself anymore. plus i was told more than once by the holy spirit that i needed to leave the marriage. what i regret is being too kind to sam. a couple of times sam raped me. and after wards i would stand in the hall outside the room and be in utter disbelief. usually i would find a way to blame myself rather than blame sam(which only makes it hurt worse). i just did not want to hold a grudge. i believed that suffering without recrimination was acceptable before god. judge not i thought. but i have found in my bit of recovery i have done(before i stuffed every related feeling in some deep part of my psyche) that i needed to put the blame where it belonged. that it was sams fault. for everything. for dragging me to southern utah, for raping me.